May is Hot Movies ArchivesNational Masturbation Month, and we're celebrating withFeeling Yourself, a series exploring the finer points of self-pleasure.
I don't know who needs to hear this, but toothpaste is nota substitute for lube.
Sometimes, left to our own devices, us humans will do stupid things -- especially when horny. After scouring forums on which people described their weirdest masturbating tools (a lot of plastic baggies, a lot of doll parts?), I've put together a handy guide for what notto use when you're horny at home.
Homebody horndogs, this list is for you. Be careful out there.
1. Jar of peanut butter
Guys, don't go chasing jars of Skippy. That's just fucking nuts.
Screw the cap back on and walk away. Credit: Getty Images / Austin Benight / EyeEm 2. Vacuum
Cleaning equipment isn't the best idea for your equipment. Depending on your vacuum, there's potential for mangling— some have a blade right inside the tube, designed to chop larger bits and pieces so it doesn't clog. According to The British Medical Journal, there have been numerous instances of penis-in-vacuum disasters. Also, the intense suction could leave blisters. Not to mention it's a device used to suck dust and dirt off of your floor. Your Dyson and your Johnson aren't friends.
Pleasure doesn't exist in a vacuum. You can find it almost anywhere, just not here. Credit: Getty Images / Bertrand Demee 3. A knife handle
While the handle of your Mercer Culinary 10-inch Chef's Knife might look fit for insertion, it's not. The last thing you want to do is show up to the ER with bloody hands because you were "trying to masturbate with a knife." Cut it out!
Perhaps a spatula would be a better option? Credit: Getty Images / mailmyworkdd 4. Anything wooden
What's worse than a splinter? A splinter in your vagina or butthole. Don't use any wooden items around the house— a baseball bat, a spoon, etc.— unless, of course, it's a wooden dildo, made for the one specific purpose of pleasure. Who says men are the only ones that are allowed to sport wood? Wooden dildo makers, apparently.
Ah, nature. Credit: Getty Images / ChiccoDodiFC 5. A dog's toy
I'd imagine that getting off with a brightly colored plastic, possibly squeaky toy would be annoying more than anything. However, in addition to bacteria, you run the risk of your dog trying to reclaim what was once theirs. Fetch yourself a vibrator.
Imagine your dog walking in on you using its toy as a dildo. The shame! Credit: Getty Images / Emilija Manevska 6. A rolled up magazine
Arguably worse than a splinter is a paper cut. Don't risk your bits for an issue of Vanity Fair, even if Beto O'Rourke is on the cover.
You think a paper cut on your pinky is bad? Credit: Getty Images / aroax 7. Soap
PSA for anyone with genitals: soap is for cleaning, not creaming. The ingredients in a majority of body soaps aren't intended to be dispatched insideof genitals, especially over a period of time. While you might end up with gleaming genitals, they'll also be burning.
The face of a man with soap in his urethra. Credit: Getty Images / gilaxia 8. A toothbrush
Like many orthodontia related items, toothbrushes (especially the bristled side) are no good for achieving orgasm. After all, it's just a stick of plastic that's been sitting in your bathroom. In that aspect, it's not much different from using the handle on a plunger.
You can tell she's thinking about it. I just hope she doesn't go through with it. Credit: Getty Images / kicsiicsi 9. Toothpaste
Your sexual organs aren't at risk of getting cavities, so don't let a tube of Crest anywhere near them. That cooling mint sensation? Not so cool down there.
An accurate depiction of where toothpaste is supposed to go: on a toothbrush. Credit: Getty Images / Georgijevic 10. The couch
If you live alone, go for it. But most of us don't have a couch we can freelyhump. This can be found in the The Code of Roommates Who Don't Jizz On Shared Furniture Handbook under clause #2872.
Yes, the robot is drinking scotch and enjoying a cigar on the couch, but at least it's not masturbating. Credit: Getty Images / Javier Pierini 11. Peppers
I'm not sure what would compel someone to willfully use a pepper to obtain an orgasm, but if you arecompelled, pause. Thinkabout what this could do to your body. You're (hopefully) not an arsonist, so why are you trying to burn it down there?
Don't fall victim to a burning vagina. Credit: Getty Images / Vera Tikhonova If you are still feeling compelled, here you'll find a story of a 24-year-old Margaret who absentmindedly touched herself after making chili. She barely survived. But the chili was good! So there's that.
SEE ALSO: 10 different but equally enjoyable kinds of masturbation sessions12. A pie
We've all seen American Pie, the movie that is aptly named for its iconic scene in which actor Jason Biggs goes to town with an apple pie. No need to recreate that scenario, though. You'll just end up with a big mess and short one perfectly good pie.
He resisted the urge to violate the pie! And now he's enjoying a slice... on the floor! Credit: Getty Images / dtp 13. Cucumbers
I know, I know, you thought the list would end without a mention of cucumbers, the seemingly innocent phallic vegetable. While it's probably the most tame item on this list, it's not ideal because of the potential germs involved. The risk of bacteria just isn't worth it. If you can get past putting a condomon acucumber, then all the power to you.
This cucumber doesn't seem to be in the mood. Credit: Getty Images / VladimirFLoyd Next time you're looking around the house for something to pleasure yourself with, just use a toy made for sexual play. Or your hand. Just make sure you wash your hands after making anything involving peppers.
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